I Am Moved

I'm not really sure how to explain how I feel at the moment. I think I feel. . . ineffably greatfull. Lately I've been thinking of the person I am, the person I seem, the person I want to be. I feel frustrated. Frustrated by the fact that I can't be the same person I want to be day in and day out. Do you ever feel like you act differently around certain groups of people? When you're with them and  leave and you realize you didn't act with the grace of a man or women of God? You realize you were loud, obnoxious, or bossy, or just rude? these are the characteristics I see in so many girls around me. The ones who scream for attention. You look at them and you ask yourself, "Do they realize how they're acting? How loud and obnoxious and crass they are? Those girls who have the grace and gentleness of a low class hooker or a classless chick  in a honkeytonk?" Then you leave a place and realize you're worldly emotions had gotten the better of you. You realized you did not radiate with beauty and grace, but with a loud, obnoxious, attention seeking attitude. You were not a lily among thorns (Song of Solomon 7:6). You increased. He decreased. When Jesus overtakes a woman's life and transforms her from the inside out, she becomes truly feminine. A picture of elegance, grace, and loveliness blended with sacrificial selfless devotion to her King. She becomes a true lady, carrying herself with poise and pure prideless confidence, and deflecting all attention away from herself and toward Jesus Christs. She is enchantingly mysterious, holding her inner life sacred and guarding her heart with soft tenacity. I remember thinking all of that sounded ridiculous and unnecessary. When I wasn't aware of the love God had for me. When I didn't realize that being rude, bitchy, and obnoxious would get me nothing but leave me empty and friendless. Now, as I'm washed clean with His bold, I see that the noble, breathtaking, captivating, Christ-centered femininity is truly a sight to behold. It's a beauty that does not draw attention to the women, but to Jesus Christ. It's a radiance that is not dependent on age, circumstances, or physical enhancements. It's a loveliness that flows from deep within. The refreshing beauty of heaven, of life transformed from the inside out. It's almost embarrassing how far I am from achieving that beauty. But that's where my gratefulness comes in. It comes at the time of self loathing and insecurity, and when I bow my head and apologize to the God I have just disgraced over and over again by my actions. That's when his furious love and adoration knocks me over and I feel him wordlessly say that he forgives me and that I'm still beautiful and precious to him.  That no matter how disgraceful I can be he'll always be waiting to take me back. Then he gently laughs and adds in how silly I am for thinking he couldn't take me back since he has already re-embraced me thousands of times.

I am moved.

"Love came down and rescued me

Love came down and set me free

I am Yours. I am forever Yours" - Brian Johnson

"I am a whore I do confess

But I put you on just like a wedding dress

and I run down the aisle

I'm a prodigal with no way home

but I put you on just like a ring of gold

and I run down the aisle to you" - Derek Webb

"I will praise You God of earth and sky.

How beautiful is your unfailing love.

And You never change God You remain

The Holy One and my unfailing love.

Unfailing love." - Chris Tomlin