I Am Moved

I'm not really sure how to explain how I feel at the moment. I think I feel. . . ineffably greatfull. Lately I've been thinking of the person I am, the person I seem, the person I want to be. I feel frustrated. Frustrated by the fact that I can't be the same person I want to be day in and day out. Do you ever feel like you act differently around certain groups of people? When you're with them and  leave and you realize you didn't act with the grace of a man or women of God? You realize you were loud, obnoxious, or bossy, or just rude? these are the characteristics I see in so many girls around me. The ones who scream for attention. You look at them and you ask yourself, "Do they realize how they're acting? How loud and obnoxious and crass they are? Those girls who have the grace and gentleness of a low class hooker or a classless chick  in a honkeytonk?" Then you leave a place and realize you're worldly emotions had gotten the better of you. You realized you did not radiate with beauty and grace, but with a loud, obnoxious, attention seeking attitude. You were not a lily among thorns (Song of Solomon 7:6). You increased. He decreased. When Jesus overtakes a woman's life and transforms her from the inside out, she becomes truly feminine. A picture of elegance, grace, and loveliness blended with sacrificial selfless devotion to her King. She becomes a true lady, carrying herself with poise and pure prideless confidence, and deflecting all attention away from herself and toward Jesus Christs. She is enchantingly mysterious, holding her inner life sacred and guarding her heart with soft tenacity. I remember thinking all of that sounded ridiculous and unnecessary. When I wasn't aware of the love God had for me. When I didn't realize that being rude, bitchy, and obnoxious would get me nothing but leave me empty and friendless. Now, as I'm washed clean with His bold, I see that the noble, breathtaking, captivating, Christ-centered femininity is truly a sight to behold. It's a beauty that does not draw attention to the women, but to Jesus Christ. It's a radiance that is not dependent on age, circumstances, or physical enhancements. It's a loveliness that flows from deep within. The refreshing beauty of heaven, of life transformed from the inside out. It's almost embarrassing how far I am from achieving that beauty. But that's where my gratefulness comes in. It comes at the time of self loathing and insecurity, and when I bow my head and apologize to the God I have just disgraced over and over again by my actions. That's when his furious love and adoration knocks me over and I feel him wordlessly say that he forgives me and that I'm still beautiful and precious to him.  That no matter how disgraceful I can be he'll always be waiting to take me back. Then he gently laughs and adds in how silly I am for thinking he couldn't take me back since he has already re-embraced me thousands of times.

I am moved.

"Love came down and rescued me

Love came down and set me free

I am Yours. I am forever Yours" - Brian Johnson

"I am a whore I do confess

But I put you on just like a wedding dress

and I run down the aisle

I'm a prodigal with no way home

but I put you on just like a ring of gold

and I run down the aisle to you" - Derek Webb

"I will praise You God of earth and sky.

How beautiful is your unfailing love.

And You never change God You remain

The Holy One and my unfailing love.

Unfailing love." - Chris Tomlin

Valentines Day

          I decided to change what Valentines day is for me. I decided to make it a beautiful, and glorious celebration. Not just for the married or coupled, but for everyone. It's for everyone who loves.  Valentines Day is about love, and love is not a fling, or a present wrapped in paper, or flowers. Love is not just having a boyfriend or girlfriend for a day, or being married. Love is not the feeling in your pants when you make out with someone. It's not cheap, artificial, or surfacey.

         Love is the feeling you get when I look at a good friend and are so ineffably thankful for thier friendship and how I’d do anything for them, or how when I look at all my brothers I feel a loving thankfulness swell up in side me, how I look at my parents and see how hard they work and how much they love me. It’s that feeling I get when I think of Jesus Christ and his uncrushable, unceasing, totally gloriously, unfailing, never-ending, completely accepting love. I love to celebrate, and appreciate what love really is. I like to know that there was a man named Valentine and how he went to jail because he believed in love, and that marriage/relationships survived on the unselfish love of God alone. How he not only married people, but ministered and counseled to them because he knew that the love of God can surpass all things. That through that love that we could all strive to love each other perfectly. Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love and what it is and what it means no matter what kinda of love you are celebrating. It’s not only about being in a romantic relationship. The people who think of it like this are easily compared to the people who look past the meaning of Christmas and only celebrate the gifts. Celebrate the relationships you see. Your parents marriage, your friends relationship or marriage, or your relationships with your parents, friends, siblings, or most importantly, your heavenly father.

          I believe even if you have a broken heart, you can celebrate love. So many look at love after a divorce, an unfaithful spouse, or their own break up and see nothing worth celebrating. Their heart is broken. But it's only when our hearts break that what's inside can be spilled out - love, compassion, hope, and understanding. My heart  is broken - it feels shattered. It's broken for men, women and children who are hurting, for my family, and for my friends, for the young women and young men I know who are lost, lonely, or have no self-worth, and who's hearts are also broken. It's broken for broken marriages, families, and lives.  My heart is broken, and I think that's a great place to start changing minds, lives, and worlds. I want to be a broken heart leading another broken heart to healing. I celebrate broken hearts because it is the broken hearted that end up changing the world.  There is always love worth celebrating. Even when your heart is broken.

            - Happy Valentines Day!

"Harbor me in the eye of storm, and I'm holding on to love you swore." - John Mark McMillian

Oh. Right.

Oh. Right.  I have a Blog.

Lets try this again.